Holding on For Life
by jaybear1701
Summary: Post 2x03. After the autopsy, Cosima needs a reminder that she's still alive.


_In the lighted corner, sitting on your own_  
_ What a lovely day to be lonely_  
_You're holding on for life_  
_ Holding on for life oh_  
_ Holding on for love_  
~Broken Bells

The stench of formaldehyde still clung to Cosima's clothes and her dreads by the time she returned to Felix's darkened, empty loft. She was steeped in it, and her stomach lurched at the constant reminder of what she did that day, of burying her fingers in viscera, chilled and slippery. She wanted to close her eyes and try to shake the memory away, but knew that would only makes things worse by bringing to mind the gaunt, pale, lifeless face of the woman who was her mirror image.

Cosima removed her red coat and laid it over the back of a chair before methodically lighting several candles around the living room. Making her way to the bathroom, she waved aside the beads hanging from the door frame and drew herself a bath. She shed her pants, blouse, underwear, socks, until she stood exposed in front of the bathroom mirror, cool air puckering her nipples, surrounded by the sound of rushing water. She traced a finger along a rib that seemed to jut out more than usual. Tilted her head left then right, noting the dark circles underneath her eyes that appeared more pronounced against skin sapped of color. An uncomfortable tickle formed at the base of her throat, but she resisted the urge to cough.

With a weary sigh, she tore her gaze from her reflection, took off her glasses, turned off the faucet, and sank into the tub, hoping that the hot water would restore feeling to her numb extremities, to her hollow chest. Although she attempted to clear her mind over the next several minutes, Cosima couldn't stop the deluge of thoughts about Jennifer, Sarah, Alison, DYAD, Rachel, Leekie…

Delphine.

She had seen a new side to her… her what? Girlfriend? Spy? Ultimate downfall? All of the above? Cosima usually abhorred labels and even attempting to categorize Delphine made her head and her heart ache. But she did know this: the woman who had stood on the opposite side of the autopsy table earlier that day was not the Delphine she had known. Or thought she knew.

No. It was someone else entirely.

_Dr. Cormier._

The immunologist. The pathologist. The Neolutionist.

Cosima recalled the way Delphine's practiced hands had picked up a scalpel to cut a perfect y-incision from the top of Jennifer Fitzsimmons's shoulders and down her chest; how Delphine had easily wielded a small pair of rib cutters like they were simple pruning shears, snapping through bone with a series of sickening cracks.

Cosima had been on the verge of losing her lunch, but Delphine? The blonde had been nothing but calm, poised, clinical, explaining DYAD's diagnosis and treatment of Jennifer, pointing out the areas of her body that had betrayed her, giving orders to Cosima, her borderline inept assistant. Delphine had shown little emotion, even when elbow deep in blood. The same blood that ran through Cosima's veins, that remained chilled despite the heat of the bath.

And she couldn't help but wonder if Delphine would retain that level of professional indifference if it had been her…_Cosima…_on that metal slab. Would Delphine's hands—the same ones that had so tenderly made love to her—move with the same unwavering precision?

Before she could dwell on it further, she heard a knock against the loft's door. It was so soft that she thought she was imagining things. But it sounded a second time, louder, rattling against the metal. Cosima lifted herself out of the water and dried herself off quickly, tugging one of Felix's floral silk kimonos off a clothesline and wrapping it around herself on her way to the door.

"Who is it?" She asked as she leaned toward the metal.

"It's me," came an unexpected, but familiar French cadence, and Cosima half hated how her heart instantly throbbed in response. Like it always did. Like it probably always will.

After the autopsy, Delphine had told her that she needed to stay late to finish some paperwork. And although Cosima had wanted to ask if she was really just reporting to Leekie, she had shrugged it off instead, like the thought didn't make her stomach curdle. She didn't have to be with Delphine 24/7 and she knew she could use some time to herself while Sarah and Felix were off somewhere in the Canadian countryside with Kira. Space from Delphine was necessary, Cosima convinced herself, to not only keep her promise to Sarah and Felix, but for self-preservation.

Taking a deep breath, she pulled out the yellow Phillips screw driver from the latch and slid the door open. Delphine stood on the other side, as gorgeous as ever, the tips of her golden hair dark from a recent shower.

"I thought we were taking a break tonight," Cosima said, arching one eyebrow and crossing her arms.

"I know. I'm sorry." Delphine shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Gone was the confidant and aloof physician from earlier. Standing in her place was someone so much more vulnerable and Cosima could already feel her resolve faltering. "I tried to call you, but your phone was off."

"Why? Did Leekie tell you to check up on me?"

Delphine exhaled loudly and a pained expression crossed her face before it melted into something more neutral, something more befitting Dr. Cormier.

"No," Delphine eventually responded with a soft shake of her head. "I just… I had to see you."

Cosima knew it was entirely possible that Delphine was lying. After all was said and done, she was still her monitor. But Delphine was giving her _that_ _look_, the one filled with such adoration that it took Cosima's breath away and weakened her knees. The one she felt so powerless against.

Delphine's eyes dropped. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I shouldn't have… I'll just go and I'll see you tomorr—"

Cosima surged forward and cut off the rest of Delphine's sentence with a searing kiss, tangling her fingers in damp curls. Delphine whimpered in response, sliding her arms around Cosima's lower back and pulling her flush against her body. A flame ignited deep within Cosima, gradually burning brighter and hotter until her blood began to simmer, melting away the numbness that had frozen her body.

She only vaguely registered sliding the loft's door closed, her attention entirely consumed with tearing off Delphine's clothes while the blonde untied Cosima's robe and let it slip to the floor. They were naked by the time they reached the bed, and Delphine pressed her into the scarlet sheets, both sighing as skin finally met skin.

This wasn't the cold and clinical Dr. Cormier from before. This was Delphine. The Delphine who was _hers. _Not DYAD's. Not Leekie's. But _hers_. And she was here, kissing her deeply, and Cosima felt herself come to life, her senses finely attuned to Delphine, and only Delphine. Every touch crackled against her skin as Delphine stroked and caressed her. She slipped a thigh between Cosima's legs and rocked so hard against her that the clone's eyes rolled shut and her nails dug grooves down the tensing muscles of Delphine's smooth back.

Sharp gasps and desperate moans filled the air as they maintained an undulating rhythm. Cosima clung to Delphine, the pleasure only increasing in intensity with each roll of their hips, every soft clap of their breasts. Just as Cosima was on the verge of losing control, Delphine slid down and settled between her thighs. Long fingers curled inside of her as Delphine made love to her with her lips and tongue, spreading heat throughout her entire body, warming her to her core. And Cosima felt herself breaking, shattering, becoming completely undone. All the while, Delphine held her together, kept her whole.

As she slowly came to her senses, she felt Delphine shift back up to cradle her face between her palms.

"Cosima," Delphine whispered, her breath hot against her lips. "I…"

But for a second time that night, Cosima silenced her with a kiss. She already knew what Delphine was going to say. Because she felt it too, no matter how hard she fought against it. Those three words hung from the tips of their tongues, but it would be dangerous to let them slip out. Because once they were made tangible, said aloud, Cosima would no longer be able to keep her mind from overriding her swollen heart. So instead she swallowed them, each consonant, each vowel, flipping Delphine over to continue generating heat between them.

* * *

**A/N:** Two down, two to go! This is the second ficlet thanking my beta readers, dedicated to **cementmixer**, who prompted me with "Holding on For Life" by Broken Bells + sex. lolol Cheezus. Well then, have some angst to go along with the smut, you effer! haha :)


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